updated--** Chee Kiang blogged it out as well....:P  :) :) :) :) :) <3

I was having second thoughts about putting this up but I figured, knowing me, this was a sooner or later thing anyway.

These are diary extracts that I have modified into pseudo-poetic forms for Chee Kiang's extremely belated Valentine's Day present from me. Obviously I can't share every single thought I had in the past 5 to 6 years with anybody else but..this seemed like the best bits from the diary.

I printed these out and pasted them onto an album alongside photos of us since 2002. :) Personalised gifts are the best! I was previously busy with exams and celebrating chinese new year ..oh, and procrastinating too plus shifting house and all hence the extremely belated present.

Since my internet is fucked up again, (streamyx can connect, but cannot surf the net and hence I am on dial up)....I figured that I won't be able to post photos(about how I finally HAVE a life in Kedah(I now go out at night. Sometimes) and my cousin's wedding photos.) without streamyx, so this entry is to keep the lot of you going!

Ck told me that he really likes it alot which made the effort really worth it. :)

I'd like to share my effort with the lot of you:)

Besides, it's a good reminder for me to keep on smiling about some of the better things in life.. as the both of us were well, disagreeing on something really petty(i'm not going to go into details because you will all laugh at me) for the first time.

Was pretty bad.. but it goes to show we're normal after all. Things are fine now. We both can go to bed(respective beds, respective homes, mind you) without a heavy heart. Alls well!

But it was great fun putting this together. Sort of like allowing him to read my mind(selective reading, I made sure of that. Not everything) for the past... 5-6 years.

Everybody keep my streamyx connection in your prayers. For the mean time, here goes......................


27/4/01

My heart is broken,
And so is his,
Our juvenile hopes fallen,
We wallowed together,
In our respective short termed bliss.

23/5/01

I can't sleep tonight,
SOmeone said something to me,
Six and a half hours to daylight,
I'm in a confused reverie.
Choon Wae fell in love with Min Dee,
So I got Chee Kiang to marry me,
It's silly I know but I smile more now,
We've even discussed our babies' names,
All in the name of these silly games.
Out of the blue, his ICQ message read,
"Sigh I like you, you know,
As you're sweet, smart and funny,"
My cheeks turned a bright red.
I insisted that it was his duty,
What with him being my hubby,
Then he confessed,
He wished that it was real instead.
Dear Diary, I do think he is sweet,
Plus we do have alot in common indeed.

24/5/01

Today I was online,
At half past nine,
Chee Kiang messaged me
We talked and talked,
And suddenly,
He decided to ask me.
I choked on my water,
While staring at the computer,
My eyes scanned the message,
Through and through.
Inside I was screaming,
"What to do?! What to do?!"
I asked him if he was serious about me.
He admitted his doubt and said, "maybe."
I teased and said,
"Ask me in person instead,"
I told him I'll think about it,
Dear diary, he's kinda cute and he's kinda sweet.

28/5/01

I've made up my mind,
Chee Kiang is my kind,
Different from that weird Victor,
Who only knows how to flatter.
I have a doubt though,
If he really likes me so.
Could he have forgotten Min Dee?
What if it is for revenge by liking me?
Maybe I am second choice,
But there's so much to rejoice,
For all the things that we have in common,
Therefore, I cannot wait for school to reopon.

29/5/01

Today is Love Declaration Day,
Or so Victor says,
He declared it to me in such a manner,
But there is someone better.
So, I told Chee Kiang that I like him,
And he asked me what about.
Dear diary, now I know how true rumours can be,
Because not long ago, someone said to me,
that they heard that Chee Kiang has a thing for me.
I'm a girl of average ego,
And decided to brush it away,
But time and time again,
These situations has occured,
I am now a believer.
Tonight he ended his ICQ messages,
With a "luv you,".

10/7/01

It was during the holidays,
On a day like Thursday,
Chee Kiang finally asked me.

We walked around the school compound,
Before sitting down at an empty spot we found,
He said it in a way so strange,
I thought I was going to faint.
For he asked me,
"I like you,"
And I said,
"okay,".
Then he continued,
"Do you like me?"
I mumbled a ya.

He finally asked for real,
"Can you be my girlfriend?"
As his hands came upon mind,
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't know what to say,
So I said I don't know.

I felt us shaking together,
As we looked into teach other's eyes,
He was sitting so near me,
I did not know what to feel.

I became the official idiot when I said,
"I'll ask my friends first,".

On Friday night,
He came online,
And with all my might,
I told him what was on my mind.

I enjoyed my freedom and he understood,
We went on  like usual, the air was clear again.
He came online the following day, in a different mood,
Our situation the night before was maintained.

I was angry because he did not know what I wanted,
And he played the guilty cards and said he was sad,
he sure knows how to play it well as I felt quite bad,
I sent my explanation in a long email.

This wasn't true but I said I still liked Jin Tian,
After sending the email, I thought that he would never speak to me again.

The following day I received a reply from him,
He still maintained that sweet and understanding persona,
He assured me that he has already liked me long before,
Even before Choon Wae and Min Dee got together.

So, yes, he likes me and he likes me alot,
But I don't think I am ready for this,
Maybe it is not my kind of thing for now,
But there's a distance now that I know,
About how he really feels for me,
I'm like that.

27/6/01

Chee Kiang's birthday fell on the 21st,
I gave him a cow keychain,
It's a simple present on my part,
But the smile he gave lit up my heart.
He has been talking to me everyday after school.
Isn't that sweet?

17/7/01

Somehow I feel that Chee Kiang is losing interest in me,
I suppose I am okay with that,
It was me who pushed him away in the first place,
On another note, he changed his hairstyle to spikes.
I prefer his centre parting do.

26/8/01

I attended the SMK SS17's install today,
Felt like a lamp post imposing on Mel and Josh,
To my surprise,
Chee Kiang and Gayathri attended the event as well,
It was nice of them to keep me company,
Stupid Joshua kept referring to him as my lover boy,
In a way I felt happy that Chee Kiang was by my side,
Then after the refreshments,
I thought that I could lead the group back to the seats,
I sat on an empty row and was hoping that they would seat,
I was panicking because they abandoned me,
And Chee Kiang took the seat next to me...
As Gaya went to sit with Shia Lynn and her boyfriend,
She couldn't stand them being so mushy,
So she came to sit with us,
She was complaining about being a lamp post,
I smiled to myself.
I guess the both of us were having the same thoughts deep down,
But warmly welcomed her without looking at each other.
Then that stupid Melody pushed me towards him from behind.
Yeargh! So embarrassing.
I turned around to screw them and suddenly,
Chee Kiang grabbed my wrist to tell time.
Joshua and Mel opened their mouths in mock shock,
Then Joshua HAD to start with his "When a guy likes a girl,
he will find excuses to hold her hand," theory,
Aiyer....!! I hope he didn't hear it,
When we were going to go home, he was following me too,
Isn't he sweet?
Oh, by the way, Chee Kiang gave me his copy of the Leo Magazine.

26/1/2002

I got 7A's for PMR!!
I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm in 4 Damai.
It is a pure science class, so that's alright.
Chee Kiang's in the same class as me..
I admit I kind of wished it,
But it is a little weird to me….
Ah…it's all so messed up!
For my birthday,
I received a TY beanie from him.
That's so sweet.

30/3/02

I sat with Chee Kiang last week at the Interact Charity Concert,
It was held at  Civic Hall.
Gayathri said that said Chee Kiang still likes me,
Oh, really? He's not doing much though.
However, he did make me happy,
With a bouquet of six roses on Valentine's Day.

27/4/02

We had to do a fashion show for the LEO IU today,
There was a formal segment,
And Chee Kiang became my escort for that bit.
At the back of the stage, we were practicing together,
I was kinda purposely holding his hand,
Making him twirl me…
We were the first couple to go on stage,
And the crowd cheered so loud.
I've never felt happier!
We linked arms and did some twirls,
You know,
I wanted to do it again,
and again and again,
And again.
I was overwhelmed with ecstasy,
So I smsed him and said that I really like what we did today,
And he feels the same!
He said he really liked holding my hand,
*sigh*
I'm so scared that he doesn't really really like me as in *that* kind of like anymore.
p/s: I wonder if we were caught on video?

13/9/02

For the past few months,
I have developed a liking for Chee Kiang.
We have become closer,
I've been to his house twice even!
One time was for his birthday dinner,
And another was for the LEO board gathering.
One time he was really sick and had to stay up in his room,
He was having a stressful week,
Thanks to his board of directors, poor thing.
Before going for the gathering,
I was at Pyramid and picked up a stress ball for him.
He even cried twice due to the stress,
I've never seen him cry before.
Anyway, I went up to his room to give it to him.
He looked kinda good with hair all ruffled,
voice all changed and without glasses..
I gave it to him and he seemed quite appreciative.
One week later, he got admitted to the hospital,
For a growth in his neck.
Something about a big stuff with pus in it,
And as the pus accumulated, it pushed his trachea aside.
He had to go for an operation.
Gaya and I visited him at the Universiti hospital,
I brought him tons of Archie Comics,
He said it kept him going.
5 days later, he came back.
During the holidays,
I met up with him at the McDonalds in SS19,
Since he missed out on add maths,
I gave him a mini tutorial as he missed out on pembezaan.
We were supposed to study physics together,
But I was so stupid as I brought my chemistry book instead.
Shy only!
We talked a lot, and his hair at that length is SO NICE.
He must never spike his hair up or change that hairstyle.
We are going to Genting at the end of the year.
I hope something will happen before/during that trip,
So that I'll have someone to cuddle when it's cold.

16/9/02

Today school reopened,
I went to school and saw that Chee Kiang has cut his hair,
No!! Why did he cut his hair??
Well, that aside, at least he was a little more cheery today.
But not cheerful enough to sing the "Hot In Herre" song with me,
*sniff*
During physics(no teacher), I put my arms around him,
And told him that I was glad that he was back and that I missed him.
He didn't react much also!!
Then I gave him the "litar elektronik" treatment and he didn't react much also,
He even said that it was painful.
Anyway, he had a paper cut today,
And I took abit of his blood and dabbed it on my sleeve,
Instead of taking up on their dare for me to lick it.
eww.
Well, he did react to my hug earlier back during physics,
He was like, "Yala, people in hospital so bored,
Never come and visit me again,".

19/9/02

Yesterday, Chee Kiang came over at 2pm to wait for his tuition to start,
It was he who asked if it was okay to come over,
As he'll be damn bored if he stayed in school.
My grandmother loves jumping to conclusions,
And blowing things out of proportion,
So I told her,
"Now, don't simply say ah..he is NOT my boyfriend, ok?"
Mum was cool about it so that's fine.
We studied add maths for awhile,
And then a little kimia,
But could not tahan and started gossiping anyway.

3/1/03

So we went up to Genting.
It was fun! We shared a room,
And that night we went to Coffee bean,
And it was soooo cold and we kept saying,
"Feel my hand!" "Mine colder!".
Excuses to hold each others' hands I'm telling you,
And our hands just stayed there under the table.
I can't recall if it felt normal or weird,
But I remember pulling away to drink coffee.
We went for a walk and I linked arms,
With Irene and Chee Kiang,
Then Irene left me and I was holding him alone,
Arms in arms, it felt…..friendly?
I wanted to go check out some abandoned slipper,
In the middle of the road,
But he pulled me back,
However, after awhile I pulled away.
That night, everyone went down to the disco.
Leaving me, Justin and Chee Kiang in the room.
I guess I was resting,
And he was so near me..
He was just looking at me.
In the morning, Irene read our fortunes,
And said that we would not end up together,
And that he treats me like a queen,
Apparently there'll be a big change,
And that I think he is really smart and all..
..oh and a bit more.
She also said that I am confused.
Now that is true.

14/2/2003

Today is Valentine's Day,
I got half a dozen roses from Chee Kiang,
Just like last year.
When he passed me the roses,
Kay Hong pestered Chee Kiang to do what they did last night,
But alas, nothing happened.

17/10/03

Chee Kiang annoys me with all his fantastic results,
Though before this I was extremely cold to him,
But I suppose the barrier did some good,
Now that I've thawed down,
We're on pretty friendly terms.
I can tell that he doesn't really like me in that way anymore,
Which is good as I don't really need someone right now.
What with SPM coming up in two weeks.

4/6/05

At 17, I finally felt that I don't want to be 'just' a friend to Chee Kiang,
As he mentioned in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S book that he gave to me.
To cut a long story short, I sent him a long email,
Which he took a month to reply.
He said he still had feelings for me,
I was glad because I felt that I was really ready this time around.
But how can one be so sure?
He held my hand for the first time on the ferry to Langkawi,
On Dec 18 2004.
He asked for a clarification when he climbed into my bunk the night before,
I squirmed because these situations always make me uncomfortable,
I ALWAYS do this. Three years after, and I'm still the same.
How do other people make it look so easy?
Maybe it was because this was all too new,
But I could not look at him in the eye,
Langkawi was too difficult a time.
I felt so awkward, I thought that I was never meant to be in a relationship.
Other people made it so easy and I felt sad,
Then someone told me that it'd be much better once I stopped comparing,
I closed my eyes to the rest of the world and started to appreciate what we were having,
It was so refreshing!
This is our own unique thing, we'll take our own time.
However, I felt that I wasn't being accommodating enough in Langkawi,
But these were the initial stages of our relationship,
I could not relax just yet.
I wasted three precious nights with a variety of lame excuses,
I wanted to kiss him under the stars by the beach,
But did not have the guts to do so.
He held my hand under the table on the third day,
And he scooped rice for me during dinner.
It's simple actions like these that put a smile on my face.
It is these little things that matter.
But I didn't encourage anything as I didn't know how to.
Langkawi was the last I saw of him for a few months,
After that we got a little more adventurous with our smses,
Saying things to each other that we did not dare say in real life.
The problem is that, when we do talk to each other face to face,
We gabble on like friends.
I think I talk TOO much and TOO fast.

During Chinese new year,
We met up in Coffeebean,
He sat next to me when he really could have sat opposite me.
Oh no! Is this what couples do?

Fast forward to June,
I saw my boyfriend for the first time in  nearly 5 months,
Whom I have yet to kiss.

We went for dinner at Chillis,
And that was the first time he held my hand in public,
It certainly felt different from walking alone…
He slipped his hands around my waist on the escalator.
So THAT'S how it feels likes.
When we were in the car,
He gave me a pink heart shaped soft toy,
With cute phrases plastered all over,
I really like sweet sentiments like these,
Alongside scooping rice for me, heh.
You'd think there would be a good night kiss when we reached home,
Alas, none.

Just like the near kiss moment we had at prom.
Just like the time I hid under his table at his house two years ago.
Just like the time when he stared at me in Genting while I pretended to sleep.

Well, this time it wasn't even close. Where're the sparks?!

Did it die off to early?
Does it take time to start this whole thing again?
It's the distance, isn't it?

So this will be the last time I'll see him in half a year,
He'll only come home in December.
Which is why, after my A-levels,
I've decided to go down to Singapore and surprise him on his birthday!
I can just imagine the look on his face..!

Even then, we're still so shy after so long.
Is something wrong with the picture or is there something that I still don't understand?

27/11/05

I can't believe I'm resuming diary writing,
Chee Kiang must really mean something to me then,
For me to do this all over again.
I've just had the best weekend with him,
Even when I am back here in uni,
I can't stop singing and thinking and replaying,
All the conversations we had.
He has finally completed his a-levels in Singapore.

One thing about long distance relationships,
There's always a surprise when you meet up after months,
Of not seeing each other.
This time around, it's a good surprise.
The boy has gotten a solid looking chest,
And he had on a lovely t-shirt that I quite liked.
Awhile into the movie, he started to hold my hand.
After dinner, I was photographing some Christmas decorations,
And he hugged me from behind…

We walked hand in hand back to Sunway Hotel,
Where I parked my car.
He lifted my right hand up and kissed the back of it.
I could only give a small laugh and a shy smile.
Looks like I can be ladylike after all. Hahaha.

I thought we'd finally kiss that night…
But once again, nothing.

17 Dec 2005

Against the glass our reflection is upon,
Separating us and the downward fall,
Into the sea of city lightms
The blue skies turn an evening glow.
The clouds obstructing a star filled sky,
But it is okay as I had you.

Looking down at the flowing traffic,
And the border of lights at the outer part of the city,
Flickering like stars.
A stolen peck led on to another,
Trail of kisses towards my lips,
I tilt my face towards yours,
And that's when it happened.

Kissing 33 stories up above my favourite city,
I whispered that it was my first kiss.
There can't be a place any more perfect,
To share that kiss with you.
Up on the mezzanine floor is where true beauty lies ahead,
Mesmerised by the infinite glittery skyline.

A floating kingdom of lights glowed faintly from a distance,
We point excitedly because Genting Highlands;
Was a memorable place to us.

I leant against your embrace,
And took in the magic that only a skyline can give.
Who would've believed that fairy tales do happen,
When you least expected it.

A cackle of sounds and a small burst of lights,
My eyes widened in surprise at the fireworks display.
The sparks burst out in a splendour of lights,
In the way only falling stars could.

You took my hand as we stepped into the lift,
As the door closed you took me in your arms again,
And kissed me all 26 floors down.
In years to come, the memory will still play fresh,
That Hollywood moment, forever in my heart.