****Discontinue reading if you can't be bothered to know that I DO have the occasional thought in my head besides memories accompanied with photographs of the latest happenings.....
****extra warning: Puke inducing according to tolerance of romance.

The time now is 12.20 and I KNOW I should be opening my biology book and reading up on..... whatever chapter 4 is about. What comes after enzymes? I'm SO screwed.

I'd blog about David's birthday do.. but I've been inspired to muse about something else. Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about his birthday thing alongside with pictures that he should send to me.

:) Kyle, Amanda and Aileen have inspired me to do this piece. I hope you guys don't mind. I know it's some sort of thing that you share among yourselves.. that spur of the moment similiar thoughts only a bunch of close friends would share. I'm the outsider that envies your musings. Hence, this. :) All the credits go to the three of you!

I wouldn't be questioning the fact as to WHY I am single.. because there aren't many reasons as to why I am still single after 17 years of living. It's either this or that, or these or those. (too disgusting, too different, too unhot enough, too crappy, too friendly, too stange, too distant, too wrong. etc)

But i DO realize I might sound like a desperado by questioning this.

I don't know why but I feel the world around me is pairing up really fast.. and the ratio of friends who are in relationships to other single friends are closing in on a solid 1:1.
That's close to a 50%.

Hence feeling lonely is inevitable.

I don't know what to do with my presence when my friends start touching each other and whispering sweet nothings to each others' ears in front of me.
Should I smile and look away? Should I pretend I didn't see anything? Should I laugh and try to break them apart and say, "that's quite enough, kids."? Should I jump in and join the fun? Haha. But you see? That's just me.

I worry about getting too serious about myself emotionally and would quickly make a joke to stop myself from falling lower.

When I was younger, whenever I frequent places like Starbucks or Coffeebean in the night, I used to wish I too had someone to hold me in front of our friends and lying on someone's chest with that smug expression on my face.
when I was younger, whenever I visited any holiday destinations, I wished I had someone to share the cool night air with or long beach walks with.

But those are probably the thoughts of a 13/15 year old who is in need of some hot luvving. There I go again, trying to be funny.

I never wished for someone to call me 24/7.
I have wished for proclamations of love.
I never wished for someone to buy me breakfast,lunch and dinner.
I have wished for someone to hold my hand.
I never wished for someone to always be beside me everywhere I go.
I have wished for the sweet chase of a potential relationship.
I never wished for a personal driver.
I have wished for a childhood sweetheart. I'm 17, is it too late?
I never wished for teddy bears or diamonds.
I have wished for love letters.

I think my problem is that I always try to see and while I'm at it, try to make everyone else see the funny side of whatever situation that I'm not comfortable in.

Usually my mushy button is set to 'on' by romance inducing factors. And the factors usually do not revolve around me. (friends in love, tv shows about love, books about romance..blablabla.)
And it's set to maximum 'off' when I get a chance to test the waters of that type of world.

And when the Chance packs its bags and leave my door, I immediately rush to the door only to see Chance by the airplane window, fast becoming a speck in the sky and hence disappearing to nothingness.

Now, who wants me to shut the fuck up?

Let's compare. When I was 13, I wanted a boyfriend. or rather I wanted that friend boy to be my boyfriend. And that was all. Never thought anything more.

Now I expect that being with someone, is more physical. I don't know much about the 'caring for me, me caring for him' part. That will probably come together wrapped neatly in a package when Relationship comes knocking on my door.

But how is it that some people just jump into these things so easily?
I observed someone getting together having not known each other for more than a week or so. Do they not worry?

But tell me, who do not enjoy some attention? It would be nice to have a sweet little secret admirer. But obviously it depends on who you are.:)
I remember in early form1 I had a pseudo-best friend who was showered with attention from the opposite sex and I used to moan about how I don't think I'm pretty enough and bla bla and she was like, "haiyo, complain so much, get plastic surgery la." .. My self-esteem went an all time low that couple of years when some seniors insulted my exterior. I did feel ugly.

But you know what? Congrats to myself. I don't feel so bad about myself anymore. I think I look better with abit more meat in my face.(even though recently Kay Hong told me that he found it strange I have extra meat near my chin. He couldn't find the word that could describe Double Chin. bitch.)

 I think I look better with a happier outlook on there things around me. I think I look and feel better a rounder looking Jolene than bags-of-bones-while-drowning-in-clothes-with-sad-hair Jolene. Am I saying I'm happy being fatter? Hahaha..Maybe. But it is strange, why is it that when I feel good about myself, I don't seem to get those 'attention' so much?
When I felt ugly, I actually had a few people coming up to me .. and allowing me to drag the chase for long long whiles.

Sorry to say la, but jealousy will always.. in my case, TILT it's ugly head. Just a scoop of jealousy on the side. I do away with the hate.
My close friends are mostly sweeter looking and on bad days, when a random boy would rather look at them..actually look is a pretty weak term to define that action...more like trail with their eyes.. I used to feel a pang of sadness. But now I choose to look elsewhere, like say, the blue clouds in the sky..or the cool skirt some random girl has on..anything to stop me from feeling bad about myself. :)

I don't dwell on this shit much. But tonight I take time off from being Jolene-set on studying for AS mode to being Jolene-the sad case mode.

Honestly, I've never sat pondering, "Why am I not sort after abit more?" unlike some people I know. This question usually comes after rejections to confessions offered to my love interests.

I don't get a chance to sit here pondering, "Shit, fark, when's it coming? So Slow one?". This is because I'm so filled with friends that I don't see the point in doing so. But lately, that's not the case. It's time to grow up.

Therefore, I've started to believe that no matter who we are, there will always be that someone for us. True...whatever..does exist. It could be someone we played masak-masak with, someone who traded Ultraman tapes with you in standard 1, someone who walks home with you occasionally, someone who comforted you when they saw tears in your eyes, someone who accompanied you for late night mamak sessions and most importantly that someone who has always been waiting patiently by your side.

Maybe it's just the potential-spinster in me talking.

But human beings will always be human beings. There will always be things for us to take for granted. It will always disappear after awhile awakening us to the fact that we were so nonchalant. I learnt it the hard way. But if all goes well, and if some people remember that they still have an email account, then bless me, I hope I'm heading the right way.