The last straw has got to be the fucking fucking fucking FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING horrid stench coming from the manhole next to my study table. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANY STUPID NO BRAIN SHIT ASS CONSTRUCTION COMPANY PUT A MANHOLE IN THE LIVING ROOM? NO BRAINS ISSIT? SOMEMORE THE STUPID AREA HAS GOT FUCKING CLOGGED DRAINS HENCE RESULTING IN THE HORRID FUCKED UP STENCH THAT IS DRIVING ME OH SO CRAZY. I AM OUT OF MY HEAD I TELL YOU, OUT OF MY HEAD!! It smells like fermented urine in some abandoned toilet along an old highway. I AM SERIOUS. Problem is, THIS IS WHERE I STAY!!!! I can't wait to end my shitty 6 months hostel contract with the university and move out on my own.

I used to cover that hole with stacks of newspaper to absorb the stench(or so I hope) but you just don't want to move and do some manual labour shit like shifting stacks of newspaper when you have like a stupid 1000-words literature review( YES, I still learn ENGLISH in University. OH GUESS WHAT! I HAVE TO TAKE MUET ON TOP OF THIS STUPID ENGLISH CLASS!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!), a long winded dentistry project, a STUPID psychology presentation(I came into dentistry NOT intending to do psychology. What the hell?) AND AND AND my actual important work like reviewing two lectures' worth of notes is left undone.

Anatomy's abdomen chapter so sucks. It's like I have to refer to the medical dictionary 5 to 6 times in a 10 word sentence. The only words I recognise from the sentence are like "is", "the", "transverse", "a" or "an". ARGHHH!!!!!!

SHIT SHIT I STILL HAVEN'T HANG MY CLOTHES OUT TO DRY YETTTTTT.... I HATE THE SMELL OF THE DRAIN!!! IT'S STILL HERE!!!!

Let's go back to yesterday when my day started to take a turn for the worst.

So I had on this skirt that had a slight slit up my thigh and the length of the skirt is like 0.01mm above my knees.

Then the stupid infamous security guard that all the hostel people hate said, "Eh, girl, come come,".

Take note that this would be my 4th/5th/I've-lost-count time getting reprimanded for the clothes I wear.

I tell you ar, I wear sleeves on my arms also damn give face already. MY SKIRT IS KNEE LENGTH. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

Anyway I got defensive again and then the security guard was like, "You again, your dress code....*exasperated sigh* I don't want to talk to you about your dress code already." He then picked up the telephone and said he's calling student affairs and he SENT me to Student Affairs so that they can review my dress code and tell me off.

....

This is me. Jolene Lai. I've never been sent to an office of any kind for diciplinary action. Not even in Primary school. Not even in Secondary School. Not even in national service. In college if you wear long skirts they will kick you out.(Just kidding, but miniskirt was like the uniform there.) BUT IN UNIVERSITY? OHMIGOD GIVE ME A BREAK LAH!!

Anyway, fortunately it was one of the nicer student affair staffs there that told me nicely that I have to adhere to the dress code. I was all defensive and I said that I've seen girls with shorter skirts strud in front of me and into the main campus BY PASSING the "watchful eyes" of the security guard. She said apparently the medical students' dress code is set by the Malaysian Medical Council. R-ight. Got such thing ar? Enlighten me please, you medical students. (Yee Pei?)
Well, dentistry is in the medicine faculty as well. Okay, fine. But I just cannot tahan the way the security guard always gives me that look and the way he tells me off. It's soooo.. ARGHHH.. like having a conservative parent to the power of one thousand!! The way he talks to me is like I'm a stupid child. It's just a SKIRT for god's sake. In front of the lady, I went into a sob story about how meagre my allowance is and that I can't afford any new clothes.(This is bullshit because I am going back to Subang to buy some "decent" clothes. Clothes that even my grandmother(the one who passed away) would deem old fashioned. But maybe she would not have been that good an example because on the night she went into her brain haemorrage, she was wearing a tank top and complaint that it was cold. She had clothes that I wouldn't mind wearing around the house. Serious!)

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? SO MANY GIRLS IN THE UNIVERSITY WEAR SHORTER THAN ME. WHAT IS THIS, DISCRIMINATION AGAINST TALL PEOPLE?!!??!

The stupid security guard came in to student affairs shortly after that. I glared at him but he avoided my glare. I went out thumping the door a little too hard(it was on impulse, I didn't mean it) to open it. I know I should not have done that. It's like road rage, on impulse. But it's frustrating to ALWAYS be told off.

That aside, my luck with insects is seriously fucked up.

It's bad enough that the cafeteria serves the worst food on Earth, I was *actually* thinking that, "Hey, maybe today's dinner is edible after all," after my 5th spoonful of food crap, a cricket/cockroach type of insect fell onto my plate and crawled about in circles.

I was about to start crying. I had to throw my dinner into the dustbin.

My anger towards the roaches in my hostel was further fueled and after class, I followed Cze Yin to Tesco to buy 2 packets of combat - a cockroach bait of sorts. Each packet has six pieces inside and I stuck 12 of it all over the place. I have 4 in my room because they say I have to paste it within a metre of each other. Question, will I die with four combat stuck on the walls in my enclosed room? I bought an economy size packet of mosquito vapour. Whatever works.

I thought I deserved a treat at KFC with the good ol' oily fatty sinfully delicious fried chicken(plus the skin! woot!) and devoured the entire cup of coke in Cze Yin's car. My saliva was oozing out at the thought of sinking my somewhat-pearly whites into the chicken meat.

To my dismay, it was Spicy. Not Original.

I. Do. Not. Eat. Spicy. Food.
I. Paid. RM8+. For. Something. That. I. Do. Not. Like.
I. Remember. Saying. Very. Clearly. That. I. Wanted. Original. Not. Spicy.

I threw away the half eaten chicken after being unable to tolerate the spiciness that lingered in my throat.

The stupid roaches can probably come in from the window so the following day, I got Lie Yuen to drop me at the hardware store near my hostel. In the midst of all these horrible happenings, it was a delight to know that the hardware store owner converses in fluent English as he is also from KL. I didn't know that at first when I was asking him if the wire mesh can stop cockroaches from coming through my windows. He repeated to himself, "Cochrite, Cochrite..." and I was like, "Er, cockroach. Ka-chat." And he said, "I Know."

I don't want to seem like I was underestimating his english, but from his tone, I think I offended him. Oh well.

I now have a make shift mosquito netting thing covering my windows. I can't afford to be scared of cockroaches for my entire duration here and sacrifice fresh air for my room while I'm at it right?

As I was typing this entry, a cockroach buzzed violently from fluorecent lamp to fluorecent lamp above my head. I covered into a fetal position and dialled Wuan Phing's number(awakening the poor girl from her slumber, but this is a desperate measure) to help me. She came downstairs with a rolled up newspaper but by then we could not see the cockroach and could only hear the violent buzzing sound of its horrid wings.

Dead ants and similiar beings litter my bedroom floor. Either it's the mosquito vapour or the Combat that's working too well. I do hope I don't end up like the insects. Com'n, you guys who read me are always quick to lecture me about how dangerous it is to cook with a rice cooker, that Punjabis are Indians et cetera et cetera, do explain to me how those combat things that you stick on the wall works. Quick! I don't want my family to be educated about it instead(since the doctors will have to tell them the cause of my death.).

It's my phobia for roaches that is to be blamed. It's on overdrive, I'm telling you. Like I said, these days, even when my own hair brushes against my knees, I reel in horror.

One of the happiest things that will be happening to me soon would be my many trips home. I'll be home every weekend from now until Christmas. I'll be going to Vietnam with the family during Christmas and will be back in Subang Jaya from the 27th to the 2nd of January before Term2 resumes.  

I need to pimp this entry for Amanda. And what better way to associate Chow Kah Soon with the vile roaches that I am going to feature on my blog today?

Eff off, Chow Kah Soon. Cheap shit. What did the blogosphere teach you? Tsk, tsk.

I'll start the real entry now:

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Every single fucking day, without fail, without FUCKING FAIL, a cockroach scurries underneath my bed when I open my door. It's like it suddenly said to its entourage, "ARGHH, RUN!! TIS HUMAN-WOMAN IS HERE AGAIN!! RUN!!! GO FORTH MY FELLOW INSECTS TO THE MIGHTY HOLES! WE MUST STALL THE HUMAN-WOMAN AND SPREAD FAR AND WIDE! DRIVE HER CRAZY FOR SHE WILL NOT SLEEP IF NOT A PEEK SHE GETS OF OUR KERATIN BODIES.. HIDE MY INSECTS..HIDE!!!!!"

I will scream and scream and do a little Russian dance with my legs before regaining enough of my composure to reach for the trusty can of Ridsect.

I was baffled. Why do I get roaches in my room everyday? No matter how many times I shift out my things to give my room a thorough mop, another cockroach appears the following day. If I do not have it flattened to the breadth of a paper, I will be so afraid of the floor and would happily chop off my feet to float around the hostel. It's that bad.

Since the bed that is given to me is so horrible, I take the mattress down and sleep on the floor. So the worst that could happen with a cockroach around would be having one crawling up my face when I am in deep slumber.

I would be traumatised for life. So much that I would actually require counselling. I am serious.

After putting our heads together, my housemates and I finally deduced the ACTUAL reason why my room is like a cockroach haven.

That's because: I AM NEAR THE KITCHEN THAT'S WHY!! AND THE BATHROOM TOO!!

Some of us in this hostel are actually pretty irresponsible and won't throw the rubbish every single day. ARGHHH.. and the worst part is that they are too lazy to put the rubbish bin into the big black bin(which is still "drying" outside after getting a wash about 3 weeks ago. I know lah, I'll bring it in soon.). So we have a black rubbish bin bag lying limply on the ground inviting cockroaches from as far as Gunung Jerai to come feast in our resplendant array of remnants of instant noodles and orange peels.

After our discussion, I decided to test if our theory was correct. I flicked the black bin abit and a cockroach came charging at my toes to which I jumped to one side and gave a pityful howl. IT IS THE FUCKING BIN ALRIGHT!!

I chased it out of the kitchen and to my dismay it scurried into my room. I banged the ground abit hoping to create enough vibration for the creature to realise that it would not be a safe place to spend the night. It then flew out of my room(I screamed again) and went into the bathroom.

I grabbed the Ridsect and sprayed half the can into the toilet and closed the door with a bang after shouting, "DIE YOU FUCKER, YOU!!!"

The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I saw the roach with all six limbs in the air, flat on it's back. Wah-ahaha. ahahaha-ahahaha.

Jolene: 6  
Cockroach: 0

I cannot tahan lah! I have to kill each and every one of these miniature monsters. I stuff my doorway with cloth and newspaper so that nothing will go in even if I close my room door. So far so good!

It's just human nature to be so utterly disgusted with cockroaches. Name me ONE person who is fascinated by cockroaches and I'll eat one and put the picture of me chewing it on my blog. I mean EWWWww, look at those horrible long feelers, that hard body that opens up with equally stiff violent vibrating wings and segmented body in the hideous most tacky shade of brown ever. The worst bit has to be the furry bits along their legs. "Why, the better to cling onto fabric with, my dear.".

But my mother always tells me to put myself in my enemy's shoes and see if I like to be treated that way. So here goes:

From A Cockroach's Point Of View

Fuck lah. Got human again. Somemore one of those screamy female ones. So disgusting lah they all. The top part of their body got like a billion feelers. Eeee. And then that two white balls with black dots in the middle of the top of their body can change their size when they see me one. The worst part has to be those two thick feelers coming from the side of their bodies. Then they walk with another two thicker looking feelers. Can be abit more disgusting or not? I mean, HELLO, enough with the feelers already! *flicks a fine cockroach feeler away from eyes bitchily with front furry limb*

Haiyoh, the stupid human is bringing that rolled up piece of tree pulp and aiming at me again. Must run again lah. Fucking tired wei.

*WHAM!!*

Wah sei, violent sial. Didn't know that rolled up tree pulp can be so scary one hor! I KNOW! I SHALL FLY!!

*buzzbuzz(sound of wings flying)*

Wahahahaha, stupid one.

OH shitt! The stupid human is pointing The Aluminium Can at me. NOooooOOOOooooOOoooooOO!!

*Pssst!*

*choke* *hack* Arggghhh! MY EYES MY EYES!!!!!! MA CHI PET!!

Kong Kong Roach? .... Por Por Roach? Tai Por Roach??

Ah Roach Chai saw the deceased members of his family.

"Yes Ah Roach Chai, we are here to take you with us. It's time." said Por Por Roach.

"But...but... I'm still young! Just last week I was a pupa!", Ah Roach Chai said.

"It's The Aluminium Can," said Por Por Roach sadly.

A bright light illuminated from behind Kong Kong Roach, Por Por Roach and Tai Por Roach.

I saw myself popping out from my egg along with my million other siblings. I could see how we scurried away to our separate paths. I could see Ma Ma Roach's fluttering wings flying away from us after we were hatched.

The light was getting too bright for me. DAMN FUCKING BRIGHT LAH WEI!! OFF THE DAMN LIGHTS LAH DEI!

"Psst, what do you think is happening ar?" Tai Por Roach asked Kong Kong Roach.

"I think his life is flashing past his feelers," Kong Kong Roach whispered back.

"Fly towards the bright light, Ah Roach Chai!" Por Por Roach shouts as the bright light engulfs Ah Roach Chai.

Epilogue:

Ah Roach Chai's lifeless body fell to the ground. Ants, Flying Ants, Beetles, Ladybirds, Spiders, Fruit Flies and many other insects peeked voyueristically from their corners to get a view of the sad sight which marked the end of the foul mouthed Ah Roach Chai's relatively short life which only reached a grand time span of a week.

From a distance, The Aluminium Can dropped to the floor with a satisfying clang and a booming human voice said happily, "Kau tim."

p/s: After writing this silly story, I went into my bedroom and there was a cockroach in the middle of my floor running around in circles.   .......................

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Photos to share!


Lie Yuen brought her damn cute beanbag pig over. I HAD to make a replica of it. Even mixed the colours to the exact shade. :D


It's got this perpetual shocked expression on its pink face. :)


Even the tail also must be same.


Cute leh!


l-r: Lishen and Lie Yuen camwhoring with the pigs.


And then with the miserable dentures(I've added braces to it if you can see properly).


Me pan-ning cute with Lishen.


No, I don't know what the hell happened either.


Maxis came over demanding for dvds.


That'll be Ah Thong. Stupid security guards will send 'warning letters' to our families if there are boys in our hostels. The latest incident was because of a steamboat party in one of the hostels.


Cockroaches and moths, this is worse than National Service okay?

"A damn good book!" - Jolene Lai.

One of the nicest things in the world is when a good ol' chick lit gets converted into a movie.

I'm still holding out for Divas Las Vegas(Belinda Jones) and PS. I Love You.(Cecilia Arhern), probably the best so far in the chick literature genre.

With all the books-to-movie conversions, I'm trying to get my hands on as many of it as possible. Like Narnia and Memoirs Of A Geisha! I know, I know, disappointment could ensue, yeah. But the only book-to-movie book I've read is Harry Potter and that does NOT count.

Chick lit is food for the soul!

Nothing beats being able to snuggle up on the couch on a rainy evening whilst turning the pages and chuckling and tearing along.

The ingredients to make a good chick lit is:

a) A messed up girl
b) A funny guy who unexpectedly becomes the sweetest love interest
c) A gay friend
d) An obsession of a certain kind. (ie. shoes, shopping, drugs..etc)
e) Weird parents
f) An apartment (important for all the raunchy sex scenes)
g) Missions (usually it's marriage.....*makes a "what else?" kind of shrug*)
h) The obligatory bastard

My mother thinks that I have too many chick literatures as they are too predictable. Of course, chick literature dwells about messed up women and how they fall in love. Falling in love is always predictable. It's how it happens that isn't. :). So the story goes.

After half a decade of chick literature indulgence, a (ahem)young girl like me tends to develope the mindset of a 33 year old unmarried woman. The books keep pressing about how difficult it is to find love after the turning point of 30. Is it really?
Chick lit influences me to worry about the wrong things at the wrong time. Like how will I settle my credit card bills of the future. Hmm.

As lovely as chick literatures are, I can't help but question why are all the women in the books are 25-36 year old? It's strange how girls almost a decade younger can be so intrigued by the turmoils of older women. Is it the whole 'wearing-mum's-oversized-high-heels' concept? The same feeling we get when we dabble with our mums' make-up during our pre-puberty years?

A preparation guide of sorts, perhaps?

Girls are seldom attracted to portrayals of their own age group. Have you seen a 19 year old girl obsessing about Hillary Duff? Are any of YOU(assuming my readers are around my age) still buying editions of Sweet Valley Senior Year??

My sentiments exactly.

Tweens can't get enough about the way girls in their late-teens lead their lives. The unimaginable marginal of freedom we receive. The ability to go anywhere with a driving license, the chance to live away from home, the ability to buy whatever we want with the larger allowance,hanging out without a curfew, the love interests, the post-braces smile, make up skills....etc.

Thank you, Francine Pascal, creator of the Sweet Valley series, for all the enlightenment and training that you've provided me during my lonely ages of 10-14.

Then we as the late-teen girls sigh longingly at the high flying career women depicted in our chick literature. Pine longingly for the ability to swipe that platinum card and be non chalant about the piling bills.(This does not apply to rich brats who think their daddies shit gold bars and use their cards irrationally. Go away. SHoo. shoo.). Get all fuzzy inside when the man in the story proposes oh-so-romantically. Understand the obsession with shoes. *conspirational nod*

Then what do high flying career women read?

I should think cook books.

They want to be like the next generation: Old ladies who are damn good in the kitchen.

What do old ladies who are damn good in the kitchen read, you say?

...they're not very sure of it themselves. Too old liao, cannot see properly.

Ahaha, I shall not digress.

I'm trying to make a point about why there are no chick literature about 17-21 year old girls that appeals to 17-21 year old girls. The only stories about 17-21 year old girls in the shelves of MPH are located in the "Teens" section. We reel away from those shelves don't we? Bring on 'General Fiction' anytime! *does a small jiggle*

They are just so lame. But maybe I should not judge so fast as I have not laid my hands on anything so juvenile since.. like I said, half a decade ago.

It's different in the movies though. Strange as it seems. Hmmmm.

Okay, so maybe we don't bring movies into the picture, just stick to literature. Or writings, what have you.

You cannot get the same absorbing type of feeling proper chick literature gives you as compared to Sweet Valley-esque type of books at this age. But why is it that you "so feel" for bloggers who are of your age and follow each entry like a reality tv show so passe, dramas are all the rage, I say. So, yeah, like a drama serial.

Is it not writings depicting lives of 17-21 year old girls?

It's time for someone to write a proper book for girls our age about girls our age.

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Ooh! Random photos:

There's a strange creature festering in our house. I'm serious. We think it's a mutated cockroach. Don't you think it looks like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch?

Look at the hands wei..nasty shit!


Looks like fried chicken too! Just imagine if they included this in Fear Factor.


One of my housemates is sick. Hehehe, disturbed her by making a replica of one of her vomitting pills. Kekekeke.


My weak attempt at making dentures.


My oil burner.


I put glitter on top of the candle before burning it and what dya know? Glitter don't melt!